A Bit of Clarity

So last night was a rough night trying to get any sleep.  The time change is royally screwing me, as is the speed of my mind.  However, last night I became clear about a few things. As a matter of fact I am gaining more and more clarity everyday.  Part of that is not having to be in a different culture, for those of you that do not know I have been living in Asia for the past 7 years and this is my first real stint in North America.

 First and foremost is I have a lot of rage.  I used to wonder who this rage was directed at, after last night it has become clear.  There are three people in my life who deserve that anger.  Let me talk about who those people are:

First is my father, I have several reasons for being angry with my father.  The first one was that I got pushed from a young age into an Independent Baptist Church which sowed the seeds of my feelings of shame around being molested and who likely had a very central role in propagating shameful ideas about sex thus enabling me to suppress any ideas of the fact I had been molested until I was 34 years old.  Furthermore, I am angry at my father for instilling in me his concept of love which (I have been unable to accept this for a long time) meant beating the crap out of everyone around him when things were not going his way.

Secondly, I am angry with my grandfather.  My grandfather who molested me.  Since 2000 I have had memories of him forcing me to give him oral sex in the bathtub.  As I have been able to sit and think and clarify my mind from a safe place I have determined that event in the bathtub was not the only one.  I think I will post later about individual events.

Thirdly and this is where I think I bare the most rage.  My mother.  My reasons for being absolutely livid with my mother are about a zillion fold.  First and foremost, for those of you that know me you have heard me say for years that my mother is not a problem, that I am over my relationship with my mother.  It is just in the past few days I have come to realise that the relationship with my mother is not a problem it is THE problem.  This is where I need to focus my energies in getting myself back into a healthy spot.  To be honest I think that I need to reserve my feelings for my mother for another post.